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My Life
About 4,5 Years ago I started my journey
to have my own child together with my
fiancé. A hopeful journey, where I thought
as a gay couple we had options to choose
from. Adoption, surrogacy, foster care and
co-parenting. A friend of mine, Jackie, who
had 2 children of her own always said she
wanted to carry a child of mine. A lovable
gesture, but never any serious
conversations about this. I always
preferred co-parenting, I grew up in a
warm a loving home with a mom & dad
and felt guilty to deny my child a mother.
After long research and endless talks about what we wanted we found out adoption,
as many refer to as “well just adopt”, is in most countries not possible because of
sexual orientation. The United States would be the only possibility if you have enough
money. Foster care for me would be too emotional; the chance of the child going back
to his own mother or father would kill me.
Meanwhile the conversations with my best friend became more serious for surrogacy.
We started comparing the two options. Which is almost impossible because you
overthink everything, make pro’s and cons’ list and swot-analysis about what would be
best for the child. I turned to my mother, she would know right. And she did, I told
her I was always grateful to have her as my mum and didn’t want to take that
away from my child. In which she answered, that I would be a better mum that she
was, because having a child wish doesn’t know gender, color, race or sexuality. The
choice was made. We were going for surrogacy.
Our kid would always know where he or she came from; her surrogacy mother would
always be in his or her life as an aunt. Questions about where he or she came from
would be answered with, your dads couldn’t get you alone and needed your auntie, so
you lived 9 months in her belly and were the greatest wonder that ever happened to
us.
My engagement ended, we weren’t meant to be together after all. Devastating and
the first big punch in the face for my child wish. I really wanted to give my kid two
parents; it was my weird way of compensating for giving my child a gay dad. Even
though I started my life over as
a single, Jackie told me she
would still carry my child if I
wanted to become a single
parent. A beautiful thought which
i first declined but kept me
thinking. I had my life in order
and the timing would be right, if
it ever is. We started talking
again, me Jackie and her soon to
be husband and my good friend
bob. We got a lawyer and got to
know the laws about surrogacy.
Which was the next obstacle. In a country as The Netherlands I was brought up with
the idea of being equal and having the same rights. Not true.
Bob and Jackie were going to get married, a wedding I would organize, being his best
man and her wedding planner. After being married Bob would by law automatically
become the father of my child. 3 Lawsuits would have to be filed. First him denying
the child, secondly me recognizing the child by DNA test and third Jackie would have to
give up the child and sign forms which would state, she could not and would not take
care of this child. Besides a rather big amount of money, it would take at least 2
years of lawsuits. In those 2 years I would not have anything to say about my own
child. Surrogacy contracts aren’t legal and going to the hospital with my kid would
result in big problems because I wouldn’t be able to prove my child is mine.
Again a tremendous punch in the face, devastation all over again. She saw me fall
apart right there and then at my lawyer. She suggested postponing the wedding.
Something I would never dare to ask, but she read my face and went to talk to Bob.
The guilt was enormous and couldn’t even look Bob in the eyes for a while, but still I
just couldn’t get myself to saying she shouldn’t ask him this. Their marriage was
supposed to be about love, just as my child wish was. Weeks past the guilt grew and
then came the answer. No, I was happy with that, I hoped for a yes but it would
have been ridiculous.
The wedding was beautiful, so much love and kindness, I was thrilled I could do this for
them. Only a week after the wedding we found out why Bob said no to the
postponing. He took his own life. Hearts were crushed, lives were broken. You lose your
friend, you lose love and I lost my kid again. I would never ask here again to carry my
child; our lives changed dramatically and would never be the same again. I miss him
often, hate him sometimes.
This was it. The end of a seemingly impossible quest. The pain was too much and got
to me in ways I never imagen. God I was angry, angry at life, angry at my own
government, this should have been a totally different journey. I got a tattoo, the
first letter of his or her name, “t” and i wrote a letter, my farewell letter to my
unborn child. Something I shared in a video, which was the best therapy ever (youtube
film inladen). A youtube video that resulted in a short documentary. Things I will carry
with me all my life.
(To keep my friends private names have been altered)
to have my own child together with my
fiancé. A hopeful journey, where I thought
as a gay couple we had options to choose
from. Adoption, surrogacy, foster care and
co-parenting. A friend of mine, Jackie, who
had 2 children of her own always said she
wanted to carry a child of mine. A lovable
gesture, but never any serious
conversations about this. I always
preferred co-parenting, I grew up in a
warm a loving home with a mom & dad
and felt guilty to deny my child a mother.
After long research and endless talks about what we wanted we found out adoption,
as many refer to as “well just adopt”, is in most countries not possible because of
sexual orientation. The United States would be the only possibility if you have enough
money. Foster care for me would be too emotional; the chance of the child going back
to his own mother or father would kill me.
Meanwhile the conversations with my best friend became more serious for surrogacy.
We started comparing the two options. Which is almost impossible because you
overthink everything, make pro’s and cons’ list and swot-analysis about what would be
best for the child. I turned to my mother, she would know right. And she did, I told
her I was always grateful to have her as my mum and didn’t want to take that
away from my child. In which she answered, that I would be a better mum that she
was, because having a child wish doesn’t know gender, color, race or sexuality. The
choice was made. We were going for surrogacy.
Our kid would always know where he or she came from; her surrogacy mother would
always be in his or her life as an aunt. Questions about where he or she came from
would be answered with, your dads couldn’t get you alone and needed your auntie, so
you lived 9 months in her belly and were the greatest wonder that ever happened to
us.
My engagement ended, we weren’t meant to be together after all. Devastating and
the first big punch in the face for my child wish. I really wanted to give my kid two
parents; it was my weird way of compensating for giving my child a gay dad. Even
though I started my life over as
a single, Jackie told me she
would still carry my child if I
wanted to become a single
parent. A beautiful thought which
i first declined but kept me
thinking. I had my life in order
and the timing would be right, if
it ever is. We started talking
again, me Jackie and her soon to
be husband and my good friend
bob. We got a lawyer and got to
know the laws about surrogacy.
Which was the next obstacle. In a country as The Netherlands I was brought up with
the idea of being equal and having the same rights. Not true.
Bob and Jackie were going to get married, a wedding I would organize, being his best
man and her wedding planner. After being married Bob would by law automatically
become the father of my child. 3 Lawsuits would have to be filed. First him denying
the child, secondly me recognizing the child by DNA test and third Jackie would have to
give up the child and sign forms which would state, she could not and would not take
care of this child. Besides a rather big amount of money, it would take at least 2
years of lawsuits. In those 2 years I would not have anything to say about my own
child. Surrogacy contracts aren’t legal and going to the hospital with my kid would
result in big problems because I wouldn’t be able to prove my child is mine.
Again a tremendous punch in the face, devastation all over again. She saw me fall
apart right there and then at my lawyer. She suggested postponing the wedding.
Something I would never dare to ask, but she read my face and went to talk to Bob.
The guilt was enormous and couldn’t even look Bob in the eyes for a while, but still I
just couldn’t get myself to saying she shouldn’t ask him this. Their marriage was
supposed to be about love, just as my child wish was. Weeks past the guilt grew and
then came the answer. No, I was happy with that, I hoped for a yes but it would
have been ridiculous.
The wedding was beautiful, so much love and kindness, I was thrilled I could do this for
them. Only a week after the wedding we found out why Bob said no to the
postponing. He took his own life. Hearts were crushed, lives were broken. You lose your
friend, you lose love and I lost my kid again. I would never ask here again to carry my
child; our lives changed dramatically and would never be the same again. I miss him
often, hate him sometimes.
This was it. The end of a seemingly impossible quest. The pain was too much and got
to me in ways I never imagen. God I was angry, angry at life, angry at my own
government, this should have been a totally different journey. I got a tattoo, the
first letter of his or her name, “t” and i wrote a letter, my farewell letter to my
unborn child. Something I shared in a video, which was the best therapy ever (youtube
film inladen). A youtube video that resulted in a short documentary. Things I will carry
with me all my life.
(To keep my friends private names have been altered)
